Humour Quotes

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems shorter than a minute. But tell that same man to sit on a hot stove for a minute, it is longer than any hour. That's relativity.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Remember, always be yourself... unless you suck.

I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.

Lady Astor: Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!
Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Mr Churchill, you are drunk.

Madam, you are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.