AshleyHedge’s most recent Quotables

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the f*ck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These f*ckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, "We're going straight to the mouth. That f*cker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.

My job is to write jokes. I sit in a hotel room and when I think of something funny, I write it down. If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

Two-in-one is a bull**** term because one is not big enough to hold two. That is the reason two was created.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"

When I wear t-shirts I can only wear v-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Like, wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled - by a really weak guy - all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, its like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Cause I'm bo yo
I'm the greatest rappa eva
And I'll weather your weather whether you think you're better or not
Think you're better your not
Don't need a sweater I'm hot
And if I can't think of another rhyme then I ought,
To think of one.

What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

My whole family thinks I'm gay,
I guess it's always been that way.
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk,
Makes them think I like... boys.

And my friend is black,
But I don't know what to call him.
So I just call him
Jamal
Even though his name is Steve...

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.