jackie-burkhart’s most recent Quotables

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.

My whole family thinks I'm gay,
I guess it's always been that way.
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk,
Makes them think I like... boys.

When life give you lemons... you probably just found lemons.

Humor is often linked to shared experience,
Like a guy gets up and says,
"Have you noticed that public restrooms have really inefficient handdryers?"
Oh my god, yes I have, hahahaha,
Really good point, they should....fix that,
It's good to know that somebody finally gets me,
Because my wife divorced me which has unconsciously forced me,
To lose all sense of self.
So it's nice to think about hand dryers and not that cheating whore...

And my friend is black,
But I don't know what to call him.
So I just call him
Jamal
Even though his name is Steve...

Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

It's weird, isn't it? I'm from Mars, you're from Venus. I do things, you worry about them. I sleep with girls, you persuade them to attempt suicide...

She's thin, she's blond, she says wow a lot.

Sorry, my Prada's at the cleaners along with my hoodie and my "f*ck you" flip-flops, you pretentious douchebag!

If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook.

The internet's not written in pencil Mark. It's written in ink.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.

Can we please stop killing our probation workers?

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

College is breaking my spirit. Every single day, telling me things I don't know. It's making me feel stupid.

You are who you are when nobody's watching.

Language is my whore, my mistress, my wife, my pen-friend, my check-out girl. Language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square or handy freshen-up wipette. Language is the breath of God, the dew on a fresh apple, it's the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning sun when you pull from an old bookshelf a forgotten volume of erotic memoirs...